Fck My Life
by Foxy-Fire6677
Summary: this is dedicated to the website fmylife . com. star and i have picked out our favs and wrote one shots for real fmls. enjoy!
1. Good Vibrations

**Foxy: This is my new one-shot series.**

**Star: It's from the web site called fuck My life.**

**Foxy: These are real fmls from real people.**

**Star: enjoy and review.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own twilight or the fml web site.**

**Good Vibrations**

**Bella swan:**

As the sun rose into the cloudless morning sky, I climbed out of bed with a smile on my face. It's hardly sunny here in Washington so today was a gift from God. I showered and dried my hair while the coffee brewed and as soon as the last drop hit the cup, I poured me a cup and walked to my apartment terrace with the morning paper to get some sun.

As I opened the sliding door, the song 'Good Vibrations' reached my ears. I loved this song so I didn'tmind Mr. Wood playing it this early. I sat down and began to drink my coffee while reading the paper.

I looked to my right spitting my coffee all over my terrace and ran inside to wash my eyes out.

After my eyes were cleansed I walked to my computer and logged on to fmylife(D)com and submitted:

Today, I woke up to a nice and beautiful sunny day, but only for it to be ruined forever by my 70 year old neighbor flexing his "body parts" and dancing naked to "Good Vibrations." FML

**A/N: **

**Foxy: ok there is more to come.**

**Star: ha-ha there in editing so as soon as we get 6 reviews you'll see them.**

**Foxy: all kinds of wacky situations and more so review.**

**Star: the link is below if you want to check it out.**

**Foxy: Also if you find one for us to write a one shot for. Please send it to me in a pm.**

**http:/www(d)fmylife****(d)com/9535194**


	2. Horror Show

**A/N:**

**Foxy: hey everyone**

**Star: and welcome to the new Fml.**

**Foxy: It's a bit scary so**

**Star: if you have a bad heart don't read.**

**Foxy: enjoy!**

**Horror Show**

**Lauren's POV:**

I live next to the hottest guy on the planet! My window is in full view of his. I looked over at his window to see him sitting on his bed so I decided to give him a little strip show while changing for bed. I stripped down till I was naked when my phone rang out with Eddie's ring tone.

"Hello?" I asked teasingly.

"Lauren did you know you bed room curtains are open?" he asked.

"Yeah do you like what you see?" I asked in a sexy voice.

"Um, no." I heard giggling in the back ground and he continued. "Can you close them; you're scaring not only me but my sister too." Eddie said and hung up.

Embarrassed I closed the window and quickly got dressed.

I logged on to fmylife(d)com and submitted my entry before curling up in bed to cry.

'_Today, I attempted to flirt with my next door neighbor/crush by changing with the bedroom curtains open. When I was completely naked, __I got a call from him asking me to close the blinds because I was scaring not only him but his little sister. FML'_

**Edward POV:**

I was in my room reading when my sister Alice barged into my room with shopping bags.

"Eddie, I bought you something!" she chirped as she threw the bags on my bed.

She looked at the window and screamed in horror.

"What is it?" I asked as I looked out the window.

Lauren Mallory was stark naked with her blinds open. I quickly grabbed my phone and called her. The phone rang and she picked it up.

"Hello?" She answered.

"Lauren, did you know you bed room curtains are open?" I asked

"Yeah do you like what you see?" she asked in a slurred voice.

"Um, no." Alice giggled and I continued. "Can you close them; you're scaring not only me but my sister too." I said and hung up.

She slammed her blinds and I turned to Alice.

"Oh my god that image will never leave my mind" she said as she shook her head.

"Same here now show me what you got" I said and we carried on with our night.

**A/n: **

**Foxy: Hope you enjoyed this fml.**

**Star: May we remind you this is a real fml.**

**Foxy: Yeah it totally happened to someone else.**

**Star: Till next time!**

**Foxy: to the bat cave!**

**(they slide down poles vanishing.)**


	3. Rotation

**Disclaimer: We own nothing but the baby names!**

**A/N:**

**Foxy: Good news all.**

**Star: But there's bad news.**

**Foxy: Yes…good news first; I will be getting a new laptop.**

**Star: Bad news; it wont be till the end of the month.**

**Foxy: Why? Well I only have like $200 in the bank so I have to save up and wait for the check I get for my dads wrongful death. Miss you pops!**

**Star: Now here's a new FML Foxy and me have been spending about two weeks on.**

**Foxy: Yeah so we better get reviews or I'm not posting at, all even after I get my new laptop.**

**Star: And believe me they are freaking awesome!**

**Rotation**

**(Bella and Edward)**

**Bella's POV:**

"Alice, I'm not wearing that!" I yelled as she held up the dress she picked out for me to wear on my third date tonight with this great guy named Edward.

"You are or I'm going to post the video of you last week on YouTube. My fans are looking for a laugh" she said with that look in her eye that said she was not kidding.

"Alright, I'll wear it, just don't post the video!" I said in a panic.

The video is of me in a bunny suit doing the bunny hop.

I showered and let Alice torture me for two hours. When she was done I was gorgeous. The door bell rang and Edward took me to my favorite restaurant in town. We ordered our food and talked for hours about life, books and music.

When the date came to a close he said "I would really like to see you again."

I agreed because he's everything I could ever want in a man but than this happened.

"Your week is the last of every month" he said as he took out a schedule book.

"Um excuse me?" I asked in confusion.

"Oh...I'm dating five other girls" he said like this kind of thing was normal. I just stared at him in shock.

"I'm sorry, I really like you but I don't date your kind" I said sadly as I stood up and walked out.

I took a cab home with a slightly broken heart. I mean I really like Edward but I refuse to be in that kind of relationship. As soon as I walked into the apartment, Alice and Rose pounced on me asking questions left and right. I just ignored them and walked straight to my computer and logged on to fmylife(d)com. They read over my shoulder as I typed.

'_Today, I had a 3rd date with a great guy. Over dinner, he told me that he wanted to see more of me. When I agreed, he pulled out his schedule book and started to tell me he was dating 5 other women_ _besides me. He then told me what week in the "rotation" would be mine. He wasn't kidding. FML'_

I heard two gasps of shocked. I hit submit and turned off the computer. I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.

The next morning I woke up to delicious smelling bacon. Alice always makes me a big breakfast after a relationship goes south.

I walked into the kitchen to find Rose and Alice with their boyfriends Emmett and Jasper. Jasper is Rose's twin brother and introduced them after they met in college. I grew up with Alice in Forks so we have been together ever since.

Emmett stood up and pulled me into a bone crushing hug.

"I'm sorry Bella, I thought he stopped that shit in college" he said in a sad/pissed off voice.

"It's cool Emmett; it just means I'm meant to be an old bag with 10 cats back in Charlie's house" I said as he put me down.

"You take that back Missy!" Alice yelled as she poked a spatula in my face. I took it back and sat down to eat my bacon and eggs.

"When I see him later I'm going to kick his ass" Emmett said as he shoved eggs in his mouth and Jasper agreed.

"No don't do that. It's his lifestyle and his choice to be an asshole with a harem" I said after I choked on my orange juice.

"Okay but I'm going to have a talk with him." I just rolled my eyes and went to get ready for work.

-—

Weeks went by and I never saw Edward again. I did soon find myself comparing each guy to him though. If it wasn't his smile, it was his hair.

Weeks turned to months but by then I stopped dating all together. I mean he was all I dreamt of and thought of. Why would god torture me like this if he wasn't meant for me?

As I arrived home I went straight to my room without bothering to turn the lights on. I stripped my clothes off before crawling into bed. I fell asleep to the delicious smell of roses, freesias and honeysuckle.

Alice and Rose were at Jasper and Emmett's for the night so it was just me.

I was scared out of my mind when I heard a huge squeal at 7 am. My bedroom door flew open and Alice ran in a jumped on me and hugged me so tight my eyes bulged out.

"OMG! Bella, I'm so happy for you!" She squealed in delight.

"What are you talking about Alice?" I asked as I pried her off me.

"What do you mean what am I talking about?" She said as she dragged me out my room into the living room. The entire apartment was filled wall to ceiling with flowers.

"What the hell?" I said as I looked around.

"Wait, you didn't see this last night?" Rose asked.

"No, I went straight to bed." I said as I picked up a vase of roses.

"Who would fill the apartment with flowers?" I asked as I breathed in the roses in my hands.

"Um me" a voice I thought I would never hear again said from the door.

"Why?" I asked shocked.

"Because I'm an ass and figured the flowers would soften you up" Edward said as he looked at his feet.

"What about your other girlfriends?" I said as I put the roses down.

"Yeah, what about them?" Alice and Rose asked at the same time.

"As of two months ago, gone." He said in a hopeful voice. "I haven't been able to stop thinking about you ever since you walked out of the restaurant that night. Plus the picture Emmett and Jasper gave me of how sad you have been is making me emo."

"I'm not sure how I feel about you after you pulled such a jack ass move" I said lying.

He dropped to his knees and began to beg. **"PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF MY SANITY GIVE ME ANOTHNER CHANCE!"**

I looked to Ali and Rose for help and they both gave me a thumbs up.

"Ok one chance." I said holding up one finger and he pulled me into a hug.

**Six years later-**

"MOM, Maggie took my ball!" Georgie yelled as he pulled on Rose's pants.

"Maggie, give your brother back his ball or so help me I will take Jamie!" Rose said in a 'don't test me' voice. Jamie is her favorite doll.

"Yes mommy" She frowned.

"Now go bug daddy." She said as she shooed them.

"I swear she is just like Emmett." She sat back down with a big pregnant belly.

"She looks like you though" I said as I rubbed my smaller pregnant belly.

"She also has your attitude." Alice smiled as she held her baby boy Alex.

"What's that suppose to mean?" she asked looking pissed.

"Whoa, she was talking about how you don't take shit from anyone." I said as I felt both my babies kick at the same time. One in my bladder and the other in my kidney. I gasped for air as the pain speared to my back.

"You ok Bella?" Rose and Alice asked in concern. Before I could speak Edward was by my side.

"What happened?" He said as he looked me up and down checking the floor for water.

"I'm fine the babies just kicked that's all." I said as sighed in frustration. "Why are you looking on the floor? I'm not due for three more months!" I snapped as he held his hands up.

"Sorry, I just worry." He said with a puppy face.

"Awe its ok sweetie" I cooed as I began to crave a Klondike Oreo bare.

"Now go get me a Klondike Oreo bare!" I ordered and he flew off to fetch it for me.

"Wow he is so whipped." Rose said as she laughed.

"He knows he has no more chances left." I reminded her as Emmett walked on to the covered patio with the twins hanging off him.

"Daddy, throw me up in the air!" Maggie yelled as Georgie yelled "Me first!"

"Ok, ok let me get something to drink." He said as they jumped off.

"Are you ok babe?." Rose asked with a giggle as he plopped down next to her.

"Yeah, they just ware me down and they're only three." He said as his breathing returned.

"Well they are you-holy crap!" I was cut off by a blinding pain in my belly. I bent forward as the pain became too much.

"Bella you ok!" Emmett asked looking scared.

"Yes, I'm fine except for the fucking pain!" I answered with sarcasm.

"She's going into premature labor!" Emmett yelled as he began to freak.

"Emmett and Rose, you watch the kids and call Edward and meet Jasper and me take her to the hospital!" Alice ordered as Jasper helped me up.

"Ok go and he'll meet you there" Rose said as she pulled out her cell phone.

**At hospital-**

As I laid in a hospital bed with tubes in me I could here Edward as he ran through the hall calling 'Bella!'

"Edward is here." Alice joked as he flew into the room with a security guard on his tail.

"Sir, you can't be back here!" yelled the tall Indian security guard has he grabbed Ewdward.

"Um guard person?" I said to get the gauds attention.

"Yes, ma'am?" he said with a hopeful grin.

"That's my husband; would you let him go please?" I said with a smile.

"Oh, sorry." He said as he let him go and walked out the room.

My mother in law/doctor, Esme, walked in.

"Edward?" she said in a scolding voice.

"Yes, mom?" he said as he looked down.

"I know your worried but please don't run like a crazy maniac threw my halls again." She said and turned to me.

"Ok, you went in to premature labor but we stopped it with drugs." Edward sighed in relief and she continued. "I want you to stay in bed till the end of the pregnancy and to stick to a special diet. I want keep you over night for observatio. You be safe and take care of my grandbabies.' She said as she filled out my chart and left.

**Three Months later-**

Edward has taken Esme's orders to extremes. I can't even go to the bathroom with out him carrying me and if I even try to sneak he catches me. So here I lay as he rubs my feet and I watch TV as I rubbed my full term belly.

"A little to the left, Hun." I said as I felt a snap and a rush of liquid rushed out of me.

"Um...I think… my water just broke…" I stuttered.

"Ok stay calm and I'll call Esme." He said as he grabbed the bag we, well, he packed and ran out with his cell in hand.

I crawled out of bed to grab the house phone a dialed Charlie at work.

"Hello Chief Swan here."

"Dad, it's me." I said as a contraction hit me.

"Bella are you ok?" he asked worried.

"Yes, I'm fine I'm going into labor so you may want to send out a warning of a crazed maniac on the road." I said as my contraction stopped.

"Ok I'll meet you at the hospital." He said but stopped me from hanging up. "Your mom would be so proud." He said with sadness in his voice then hung up.

"I know." I whispered as I hung up. Renee was killed in a car accident when I was in high school. The other driver was texting and wasn't paying attention. **(A/N: Foxy: This is my way of telling everyone not to text and drive. Star: Yeah it's dangerous and takes many innocent lives every year. Foxy: My sister's friend was killed in one. Star: Aw sadness.)**

Next I called Rose and Alice while I changed into something less wet and put my hair up.

"Ok let's go Bella." Edward said as he picked me up and carried me to the car.

"I called Charlie and told him to put out a warning for a crazy maniac driver" I said as he started the engine.

"I do not drive like a maniac." He said in a defensive tone. I gave him a look saying 'yeah right.'

"Ok maybe a little." He said as we pulled out of the drive way and we made our way to the hospital.

**-In delivery room-**

It been ten hours and I'm still in labor. If I didn't have epidural I would not be happy.

"Ice-chip, please." I said and Alice fed me some.

"How much longer?" Edward asked no one in particular as he ran his fingers through his hair for the thousandth time.

"It varies Edward." Rose said in a calming manner as she cradled, Gracie Elizabeth McCarthy, her new baby girl. "I was in labor with the twins for fifteen hours."

"Hey, what if you have triplets?" Emmett asked as he poked my belly. I smacked him and yelled "Don't jinx it, you dumb ass!"

Charlie laughed at me and finished his doughnut.

"You sound like your mother." He said in a matter of fact voice.

"She had an attitude to?" Emmett asked as he rubbed his head.

"No, she was violent during labor; she did it naturally so she hit harder." He laughed and continued. "She threw a bed pan at one of the orderlies."

Everyone laughed as Esme and Carlisle walked in with his lab coat on.

He's a doctor but a surgeon; in fact they met here in the hospital in Chicago. They transferred to Seattle after Edward and I settled here after the wedding.

"Hello, everyone," Carlisle greeted everyone and walked over to me to kiss me on the forehead. "How are you doing?" he asked as Esme looked at the contraction meter.

"Fine but I am so ready to have my stomach back and for this pressure in my back to go away." I said as Gracie began to cry.

"Someone is hungry." Rose said as she gave her a bottle.

"Ok all the guys except Edward leave so I can check her." Esme ordered as she out on a pair of gloves.

"I'll be right outside, Bells." Charlie said as he walked out.

"Come on jazzy lets go to the gift shop." Alice said as she dragged him out.

"Emmett, go get me a snack." Rose ordered and he left along with Carlisle. I sat up and Esme checked my cervix and smiled.

"Ok you are fully dilated so let's begin." She said as her midwives removed the bottom part of the bed and pulled the foot holders out. She helped me place my feet.

"Ok Edward, help her by holding her back for support." She ordered as Emmett barged into the room with an arm full of snack cakes. When he saw my coochy on display he threw his arms up scattering the food across the room as he covered his eyes.

"MY EYES; MY VIRGIN EYES!" He screamed scaring Gracie.

"You idiot get out!" Rose yelled as she calmed the screaming baby.

"Ouch! Rosie, stop hitting me." Emmett whined.

"Stop being a dumb ass first." She spat as they left the room.

"Ok, at your next contraction push while counting to ten" Esme instructed as she sat on a stool in front of me.

My contraction came and I pushed as Edward counted to ten. '1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10'

"Oh god that hurts!" even though I have the epidural it still hurts a bit.

"You're doing a great job, your crowning. This one has your hair Edward!" she commented and he looked over my knee and a look of horror crossed his face.

"Is there supposed to be blood?" he said with a gagging sound.

"Yes now back to your post." Esme said as she rubbed around the head.

"One or two more pushes and we can wait for the next one." Esme said.

"I didn't miss any thing, did I?" Alice screeched as she ran in with Rose behind her.

"No, now stand in the corner and be quiet."

"Ok, Bella dear, push." I pushed with all my might as Edward counted '1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10' and a baby cry filled the room.

"It's a girl!" Esme said smiling as she held her granddaughter up. The midwife covered her in a cleaning blanket and put her on my chest.

"Sha te bebe you are so beautiful." I said in awe. (**Star: Sha te what? Foxy: It's Cajun French for 'sweet baby'. We say it every time we see something cute. It's said mainly down south. Star: Oh that's cool.)**

"She is wow..." Edward said speechless as Esme prepped the cord. "Do you want to cut the cord, daddy?" she asked handing Edward the scissors. He took them and cut her cord and the midwives took her to the cleaning station.

"Ok your placenta is on it way so push when you feel pressure and you can take a break while the next one positions itself" Esme said while Rose and Alice took pictures of my new little girl.

"Any idea for names?" Esme asked with a giddy voice.

"I have been thinking of names for a while now, Alexander Charles, for a boy and Phoebe Renée, for a girl." I said thinking of my mom.

"I think Renée would love that." Esme smiled as a tear fell from my eye.

I felt pressure so I pushed and it fell in to the tray Esme had placed under me.

"Now it's a waiting game." Esme stated as she covered my privates. "I'll go get the others so they can see phoebe in the nursery." She said as the nurses carried phoebe out the room along with the placenta to store it.

"Well, that was interesting." Edward said as he sat down to my left.

"But so wonderful." I said as I sighed and moved to get comfy.

"She is just perfect." Alice squealed as she bounced over to me other side and started snapping pictures of me.

"I swear to all that is holy if you don't stop snapping pictures you will be digesting that camera." I said through my teeth as I put my hand in front of my face.

"Oh, so crabby." Rose said as she did jazz hands.

"You would be to if you had a human being coming out of you." I said in a grouchy voice.

"You need a spa day after this." Alice stated as Rose agreed.

"Are you descent?" Emmett boomed as he walked in with his hand over his eyes.

I laughed as he slipped on snack cakes which are still all over the floor. He fell on his butt and he moaned in pain as he lay on the floor.

"You idiot; get up or you're not seeing me naked till Gracie is in college." With that he popped up and stood at attention as if she were a drill sergeant.

"Was he dropped on his head as a child?" Charlie asked Carlisle as they entered the room.  
"I have no clue. His mother seems like a nice woman who wouldn't drop a child." Carlisle answered has they reached my bed.

"She is so beautiful." Charlie gushed with a huge grinned ear to ear as he hugged me.

"What's her name?" Carlisle asked as he handed me a cup of ice chips.

"Thank you" I said as I popped one in my dry mouth.

"Phoebe Renée" I said as tears welled up in Charlie's eyes.

"Dude, are you crying?" Emmett asked and Charlie glared at him.

"Don't call me dude or I'll lock you up." Charlie threatened as he reached for his gun.

I felt a slight shift in my belly and it kind of tickled. _'Weird...' _I rubbed my belly with my free hand and felt a little foot kick.

"Um... I think the next baby is ready." I said as I pushed on the foot poking threw my belly.

Emmett froze and darted out the room faster thank a bunny on crack and a blond woman in a lab coat walked in.

"I'm Dr. Reid; Dr. Esme will be here in a sec she has to deliver a baby for another patient. So I'm just here to check and see if the next baby is ready" She said in a perky voice. **(A/N: Foxy and Star: WE LOVE SCRUBS!)**

"Hello, Elliot." Carlisle greeted her as she put on gloves.

"Hey, Carlisle or should I say grandpa?" She smiled as she snapped the last glove in place.

"Carlisle is fine" He said with a smile. "How are the wedding plans?"

"Great, but I need a new brides maid." she said in a fast voice.

"What happened she cancelled?" Alice asked sticking her nose in Dr. Reid's business.

"No, she got into a bar fight and got trampled, resulting in a full body cast." She said as she felt my belly.

"Oooo." Everybody cringed at once.

"I responded to that; I haven't seen that much carnage since well ever" Charlie said as he shuddered.

"Why is there a cop here? Are you a family member?" she asked as she looked at him thinking.

"He's my dad." I said and recognition came over her face.

"Oh right Esme said her son married the Police Chiefs daughter." She said and moved to check my vaginal area but stopped.

"Oaky-dodal, everyone out unless you want to see her vagingo." With that everyone but Edward left.

She checked me out and looked at my meter. When she was done Esme walked in with her scrubs on.

"Where are we, Elliot?" Esme asked as she put on gloves.

"The next babe is almost ready and her contractions are normal" She said as she removed her gloves and tossed them in the trash.

"We need to help the baby get into position. Any longer and the baby will have lack of oxygen. I have a C-section to get to in twenty so let's get moving" She said as she began a massaging motion on my lower belly.

"He/She is almost there, just and inch away, you'll begin to feel pressure in a second" She said as she sat down on her stool.

"Elliot, go call my nurses please the next baby is coming." Dr, Reid ran out of the room and the nurses ran in and set up the station as the pressure began.

"Okay should I push?" I asked as I squeezed Edwards's hand.

"Go for it." She said as I moved to the pushing position.

I began to count in my head as I pushed with all my might. '1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10' I fell back as I began to feel dizzy.

"One more big push, Bella" Esme said with joy and eagerness.

I sat back up and pushed with everything I had until a strong cry filled the room as Esme held up my baby boy.

"It's a boy!" she cried out as my vision became blurry and I fell in darkness as everyone scrambled around me and yelled my name.

**To be continued**

**A/N:**

**Foxy: Bet you guys didn't expect that?**

**Star: What happen; are you nuts!**

**Foxy: Yes I am and I had to add that twist, it's the only way they will review and stuff.**

**Star: Well you could off old me.**

**Foxy: I wanted to see your reaction. (Holds hands up)**

**Star: Your evil you know that right?**

**Foxy: I know it's one of my traits.**

**Sapphire: I think it's a great ending.**

**Foxy: Hey V what's up?**

**Star: This is our good friend Valini. She goes by Caribbean Sapphire on fanfiction.**

**Sapphire: Hi fanfic fans!**

**Foxy: Hey, let's go prank the guys!**

**Sapphire: I don't think that is such a good idea...**

**Star: You know Steve would end up calling the cops like the last three times and I'm afraid of how Mark might retaliate. *shudders***

**Sapphire: Haha. Wow Jess. **

**Star: You love me...**

**Foxy: We do, we can't help it.**

**Sapphire: *giggles***

**Foxy: I love pissing people of.**

**Sapphire:really?**

**Foxy: yeah it fun to see them snap a nerve.**

**Star: WOW**

**All three: Ya'll come back now ya here!**

**End A/N**

**Link: ****http:/www(d)fmylife(d)com/2624413**

**P.S.: Bella's fate will be revealed in a future fml. **


	4. Nipples

**A/N: Heres a treat I have been working off and on for a while.**

**Nipples**

**Bella:**

"Bella we need more food, Emmett cleaned use out!" Alice called from the kitchen. My brother came to visit this past weekend while he was on leave before he had to go back to Iraq. While here he ate anything and everything. I'm surprised he didn't eat my couch.

"You're coming with me to the Wal-Mart?" Alice chirped as she grabbed her purse.

"Yeah ok the last time you went alone you bought nothing but healthy junk." I said as I grabbed by bag and iPhone.

"You need it. All you eat is junk food." Alice said with a motherly tone.

"Whatever." I rolled my eyes as we left.

**At Wal-Mart:**

"Ok you take the freezer section, and sodas and I'll get the veggies grains and pop tarts." Alice said as she handed me her list. I saluted her and we split up.

**Sometime later:**

The store is freaking freezing and I didn't bring my jacket. I pushed the buggy down the freezer section when another buggy slammed into mine.

"Sorry." the owner said and I looked up to see the most gorgeous guy ever.

"Um it's ok" I said as I grabbed a few packs of frozen burritos and moved on to the lunchables. I look at my list as I pushed along the isle.

—

X Burritos

X lunchables

Pizza

Sausage

Hot dogs

Cheese

Ice-cream: chocolate, chocolate fudge with nuts, Rockies road, pistachio, butter pecan, chunky monkey

Soda: dr. pepper, sprite, diet dr. pepper, cherry crush.

Milk

Eggs

Yogurt: coffee, berry, key lime pie; Boston cream pie; vanilla;

Banana strawberry; chocolate; cherry vanilla; strawberry cheese cake, and black berry.

Pudding

Cheesecakes

—

I grabbed five of everything and moved to the hot dogs. I grabbed five packs and Looked to the sausage. We get all the different kinds so I can make different dishes.

Next yogurt and pudding; I grabbed seven of each and moved on to the cheeses. I grabbed a pack of every kind of cheese the store had. Out of the corner of my eye I notice the guy who bumped me tailing me.

I feel a little flattered he is tailing me. I mean he is so hot with his bronze hair and lean body. You can see muscles through his tight black wife beater.

I scratched off the items I had already and walked over to the milk and grabbed two jugs of 2% and walked back to the buggy. My phone rang out with Christmas tree by lady gaga.

I answered knowing it was Alice.

"Hey, what is it Alice?"

"I'm getting shampoos and body washes along with bath oils, you need any?" She asked with a bit of pep.

"Yeah, get the ky oil I like and my face wash, Kay?" I said as I noticed bronze guy perk up as he was easdropping.

"Wait, what ky oil?" she ask in confusion as I hung up.

I grabbed eggs as I moved to the ice-cream isle.

As I looked at the selection of yummy flavors hotty-hotty turned into the isle and opened the door to the pizza rolls and pulled a few bags out.

I found the flavors on my list and turned to the frozen pizzas behind me and grabbed five.

I looked to my list and realized I forgot the sodas.

"Damn it!" I fumed as I rushed to the soda isle to grab the sodas.

Hotty-hotty bumped into me yet again as I was reaching up to grab the cherry crush.

"Sorry again." He said as he grabbed a pack of mountain dew cans.

"Um ok, bye now." I said as I reach up higher for the diet Dr. Pepper. This is why I get the sodas instead of Alice; she's too short at her height of 5.1. **(A/N: Sadly this happen to me and I'm 5'4 1/2in.)**

I look down to see hotty looking at my boobs.

"What the fuck?" I yelled as he snapped out of his daze.

"What gives you the right to look at my chest?" I fumed out the question.

He was about to speak But just pointed to my chest. I looked down and saw my nipples at attention.

I turned red and covered them with my arms and left quickly with the buggy.

I pulled out my iPhone and opened my fml app and submitted:

_Today, I was at the grocery store. I kept bumping into this cute guy while shopping, and it was a huge ego boost that he was going out of his way to run into me. I was feeling really good until I realized why; it was cold in the store and my nipples were standing at attention. FML_

I put my iPhone back on my holder and pushed my buggy to the bakery isle to get the Cheese cakes. I picked up three sampler cheese cake trays only to turn around to find nipple boy two feet away from me.

"Why are you still following me?" I asked in anger.

"To apologies," He said ashamed in a perfect musical voice. "And…to ask you out?" He said blushing.

"Go for it, Hun, he's cute!" the woman behind the counter yelled out.

"Um, that wasn't weird." I said out loud to myself.

"One condition," I said with a smile.

"Um what's the condition?" He asked confused.

"Pay for all my stuff?" I said with a cheeky smile. He looked at my buggy and shrugged.

"Ok that doesn't look like much." He said as I grabbed my iPhone and texted Alice.

_'Hey Ali I'm done. What about you?'_

I recieved a message right away.

_'Me to I'm at the check out.'_

_'Kay I'm coming ur way.'_

"Follow me nipple boy." I said as I pushed my buggy to the check out area.

"Hey, don't call me that." He said and a group of guys laughed as we passed.

"Well don't stare at girls nipples." I snapped back as Alice came in to view.

"There you are!" She cheered but then she saw nipple boy.

She looked at me with a questioning expression.

"Hey, Ali, nipples here is paying." I said as I pointed to him.

"Your name is nipples?" She asked with laughter and confusion.

"No, my name is Edward, Edward Cullen." He said a little annoyed.

"Then why is she calling you nipples?" She asked as she continued scanning.

"He was looking at my nipples since I walked through the door." I said as put the items on to the belt.

We checking out the items and I turned to Edward.

"Pay up!" I chirped as pointed to the payment thingy.

He did as I told him and looked at the total.

"Four hundred and eighty bucks?" He said shocked and I smiled.

"A deal is a deal. You pay for my stuff and I give you my number, nipple boy." I smirked as I wrote my name and number on the back of my list which happened to be a sticky note.

"How many more times are you going to call me that?" He said as he swiped his card and punched in his code.

"At least twenty more times." I said as I stuck the note on to his for head and left him shocked.

"He's cute, maybe he has a brother?" She said as we packed the back of my truck with free stuff and shut the lid and went home.

My phone rang as we were picking up the goodies. The caller was unknown but I answered anyway.

"Hello, nipple boy." I said as I looked at my nails.

"Stop calling me that." He growled. The sound was the most awesomely sexy sound I have ever heard.

"Not a chance." I said as Alice giggled.

"I have at least 19 more times." I said as I put the cold items away.

"Anyway how does Chinese and comedy central sound?" He asked in a hopeful voice.

"On one condition…" I said and all I heard was a groan. "Bring soki."

**A/N: Ok I know I haven't updated in months maybe even a year. I have been insanely busy with my dog and work. Hopefully I will have more updates for my other stories. So till then,**

**FOXY**


	5. Christmas Special

**A/N:**

**Foxy: Hey everyone! We have a special treat!**

**Star: We know it's late but the writer had to work the week of Christmas.**

**Foxy: and all New Year's week on my days off also.**

**Star: We are giving our amazing fans this special gift for Christmas.**

**Foxy: A FML SPAECIAL.**

**Star: Meaning not one FML but FOUR!**

**Foxy: So gets some Christmas cookies and Hot chocolate and enjoy.**

**Foxy and Star: Well enjoy! Merry Christmas!**

**Fuck My Life: Christmas Special**

**Month: August**

**Edward's POV:**

Today is an amazing day. Why? I married my soul mate Isabella Swan. The wedding was beautiful with flowerers everywhere and Bella in my mother Elizabeth's wedding dress. She was stunning. Even now as she tries not to fall as she dances with Charlie. It was perfect till….

"Edward," Esme said as she sat next to me at the table. "I still don't understand why Tanya wasn't invite." She huffed in frustration.

"Mother, I have explained this over and over." I sighed in frustration.

"She's a nice gir-" Esme said but I stopped her.

"**SHE. IS. CRAZY."** I said in bold letters.

"Edward Mason Cullen you take that back!" Esme demanded as if I had said she herself was crazy.

"Mom, she **is** crazy." Emmett said in a serious voice as he and Rose walked by. "If she would have known about the wedding she would have kidnapped Bella and walked down the aisle herself."

"Nonsense!" Esme screamed so loud she alerted the other guest. Carlisle and Alice walked over to investigate.

"What wrong love?" He asked as he wrapped and arm around her.

"Edward is saying horrible things about Tanya." She said as she began to cry. I rolled my eyes, Rose sighed and Emmett cracked up laughing.

"Now, now, calm down and tell me." He said as he looked at me questionably. I just pinch the bridge of my nose.

"He says she crazy. And Emmett said that if she had known about the wedding she would have kidnapped Bella and walked down the aisle herself." She said crying.

"Darling, look at me," He said and she did. "I know you love Tanya and it's hard for you to see this but she is crazy." Carlisle stated calmly

"Not you to!" She said a frantic voice

"Mom, I saw it she would have tried anything to get rid of Bella." Alice said in an 'I know' voice.

"I don't believe you." She exclaimed then ran up to her room and stayed there till the end of the reception.

In the end she chose denial.

**Three months later:**

Now I here I sit on my bed three months after my wedding staring at my relationship status on face book. I have yet to change it.

"Just change it already!" Bella said in frustration as she walked into the room with freshly folded laundry.

"I can't, it's not that easy." I said as I inched forward to married.

"Do it or your cut off from Marco polo for month." She said calmly as she put away cloths into our drawers. **(Foxy: That's my code for sex. Star: I think it's clever.)**

"Just because I'm scared to change my status you will cock block me for a month?" I said with a fear all men have.

"Yep," She said with a smile but then turned vicious. "You are getting on my nerves." She stated with a growl.

"Ok I'll change." I said as I changed it fast.

"What's with the mood swing?" I asked as I closed my laptop.

"I don't know what you talking about" She simply stated as she left the room with the empty basket.

**Bella's POV:**

I have been feeling awful for the last few days. One of the kids in my freshmen English class barfed on me when she was asking to go to the nurse. Alice was angry because I was wearing the shirt she bought me.

I walked back to my room to either take a nap or have my hobby rub my back. When I reached the room he was in his boxers.

"What are you doing?" I asked as I laid down.

"Aren't we going to play macro polo?" He said in a confused voice.

"No I don't feel good." I said as I curled up next him.

"What wrong?" He said as he switched to overprotective mode.

"I feel nauseous and I can't keep any food down." I said as I began to feel my lunch coming up. I ran to the bathroom with Edward on my heels.

He held my hair and rubbed my back as a spewed my guts out.

After he handed me some mouth wash and made me a warm bath.

"If you need anything I'll be in the room. Just call." He said as he left me to soak.

**Edward's POV:**

Thanksgiving is a week away and Bella has the flu. We plan on going to Esme's, looks like we can't. I picked up my phone to call Esme.

The phone rang a few times before she answered.

"Hello?"

"It's Edward." I said as I plopped on to the bed.

"Is something wrong?" She asked with her mom radar.

"Bella has the flu so we can't make it to Thanksgiving." I said as my phone beeped. I looked only to see Tanya's name

"It's all right how bout I come over while you're at work and take care of her." She suggested as my phone beeped again I ignored it and continued my conversation.

"That's a good idea I will be at the school late for a lesson and I don't want her here alone." I said and my phone beeped for the third time.

"I have to go, Tanya keeps calling me." I hung up and answered.

"Finally!" She yelled."Eddie, why won't you answer my calls?" She asked in that annoying voice I hate so much.

"Tanya, stop calling me that." I said in annoyance.

"Why is your status set to married?" She said in a demanding voice.

"Because I am married and have been for the past three months." I said in a calm voice.

"I don't believe you I would have known about this." She said in a stubborn voice.

"Well that is because I didn't want you to know, no please leave me and my wife alone." I said in frustration.

"But we have been together for so long why would you do this to me?" She said in a sobbing voice.

"We are over except it!" and I hung up on her. I blocked her number and threw it on the bed. I put my cloths back on.

Bella threw the bathroom door open as she stormed out in a bathrobe with a hurt look on her face.

"Who is Tanya and why is she calling you asking about our marriage?" She asked in her pissed voice.

"You don't have to worry about her. She's is crazy." I said hopping that would be it.

"No I want to know, now." She demanded. "Have you been cheating on me?" She asked and I gave her a 'you have to be kidding' face.

"Oh MY GOD you are!" She screamed. "Get out of my house, now!" She yelled as she threw a bottle of lotion at me.

"Bella, I am not cheating!" I said as I tried to calm her down. But it didn't work she just threw stuff at me so I grabbed my phone and left the room and fled the house.

When I was safe in my car I called up Emmett to see about staying with him. When I got there he had the game one.

"Why do you need a place to crash?" He asked as I plopped on to the couch.

"Tanya called asking about my face book status so now Bella thinks I'm cheating." I said as I rubbed my face.

"Wait she thinks you're cheating with Tanya the psycho ex-girlfriend that refuses to believe you broke up with her?" He asked laughing. "Is that why Rose left a few minutes ago?" He asked as the game went to commercial.

"Yes and yes."

"I'm going to bed I'm exhausted and have work in the morning." I said after a while and went to the guest room they keep. Rose has everything in there from cloths to a computer.

I logged on to FML and entered:

_**Today, I got a call from an ex, demanding to know why my Face book relationship status was set as married. I got married a few months ago, and I calmly and quietly explained this to her. My wife overheard and now thinks I've been cheating all along. FML**_

**Bella's POV:**

I texted Alice and Rose an S.O.S. alert and they said they would be right over in a few minutes. I dressed in my sweat pants and my old forks high shirt while I waited for them to arrive, which wasn't long.

"What's the S.O.S. for? What wrong?" Alice demanded as she they both stormed into my room.

"Oh I have the flu and my husband is cheating on me!" I whaled the last part out.

"What?" They both looked at me wide eyed.

"It's the same as high school. I watched him use all the girls and he treated them so badly." I cried and Rose handed me a tissue. "I thought he changed." I blow my nose as I sniffled.

"I don't get it he did change." Alice said as tilted her head.

"Well there's always time for a relapse." Rose said. "Did you get the little sluts name?"

"Yeah, Tanya…" I said and they looked at me like I was the funniest thing on the planet and began to laugh.

"What the hell is so funny?" I asked annoyed.

"Hahaha! Tanya is Edward collage girlfriend." Rose chocked out.

"He dumped her because she's crazy." Alice continued.

"She couldn't have been that crazy." I said in her defense.

"She beat up his lab partner out of jealousy," Rose said as she calmed down.

"His lesbian lab partner." Alice finished.

"_OH MY GOD…'_ I thought.

"If she had known about you she would have tried to get rid of you." Rose said as Alice agreed.

"After the breakup she flipped and still thinks they are together." Alice said with her all knowing voice.

"So he's not cheating on me he just has a crazy ex?" I asked.

"Exactly!" They said at the same time.

"I feel awful for snapping like that." I said feeling guilty. "I mean I threw lotion at him."

"I remember when Emmett bought a donkey." Rose said as her face turned to her famous 'oh Emmett' face. "I was livid."

"Why did he buy a donkey? And why were you livid?" I asked in confusion as Alice handed me a glass of what I assumed was water; it wasn't. I spat it into a pale she had ready.

"Oh Dear God what was that?" I said as I gagged.

"It's a tonic that been in Carlisle's family for centuries." She said as she handed me a cool rage. "Now, pinch your nose and drink it down."

"Not on your short life, that tasted worse than Renée's cooking." I said as I made a face to it as I smelled it. "It's smells like rotten sea food mixed with camel p-" I was cut off by vomit as it spewed from my mouth into the pale.

"When did I eat corn?" I said as I puked some more and more and more.

**The next day-**

**Edward's POV:**

I woke up to Emmett jumping on the bed like a freaking five your old.

"Emmett, you big idiot, you're going to break the bed!" I yelled as I pushed him off.

"Rose is back she stayed with Bella last night. She's really bad so she said you are to stay here till she's better." He said jumping off the bed.

"I have to since she threw me out." I said with a duh voice.

"They explained Tanya so she is said you can come home." He said in an obvious voice.

"Thank god for my sister." I said as I got ready for work.

**Christmas Day**

"Edward, come on we are going to be late!" Bella yelled as she walked into our bathroom to find me messing with my hair.

"What are you doing?" She asked with humor in her voice.

"I'm trying to make my hair look less like sex hair." I said as I tried to comb it back only to break the comb.

"Your hair looks fine. It's one of the reasons why I married you." She said as she untangled the broken half of the comb out of my hair.

"Really, I thought it was my smile." I asked giving her one.

"That to but I always loved your hair even in high school." She said as she threw the comb in the trash. "In fact I hope this little guy has your hair." She said as she patted her baby bump.

"I still have no idea why I didn't notice you in high school" I said as we left the house.

"I was in the library with big glasses and you were in the music room screwing the bimbo of the week." She said in a duh voice.

**At the Cullen house-**

As soon as we opened the door Alice and Rose dragged Bella away to show her the baby shower plans.

"They are really excited for the baby." Carlisle said as he walked up to me.

"Yeah we are to. Her mom threw a party." I said as I moved to leave the foyer.

"Son, I must warn you," He said as he stopped me.

"What?" I asked.

"Your mother invited Tanya." He said with remorse.

"Oh you have to be kidding me." I said as horror filled my body.

"EDDIE-POO!" I heard the shrill voice of my crazy ex girlfriend as she ran to the foyer and hugged me.

"Get off me, Tanya." I said calmly.

"But I missed you baby." She said in a shrill voice.

"Don't call me that. I want nothing to do with you." I said as I prided her off me.

"Some boyfriend you are." She huffed.

"I am not your boyfriend. I am happily married with a baby on the way." I said as slowly as possible.

"Then where is this so called 'wife'?" She asked as she rolled her eyes. Just then Bella came in.

"Edward, come to the living room with me, please?" She said as she pushed Tanya out the way.

"Sure, love." I said as I took her hand and we went to the living room and sat down.

"Why isn't the tree decorated?" Bella asked pointing to the tree?

"I don't know Esme always decorates it. It's odd if it's not." I said as Esme floated into the room and over to Bella.

"How's my grandbaby?" She said as she engulfed Bella in a warm hug.

"Fine, we get to see if it's a boy or girl next week." Bella said as her face lit up. Tanya on the other hand; she looked at Bella like she wanted to kill her. I have a really bad feeling about this.

**Bella's POV:**

I had a feeling Tanya wants to do me harm. The way she is looking at me is disturbing.

When I could get way from Esme and her baby mania I went to the kitchen to find Jasper cooking the feast for tonight. He's a mater chief and owns his own restaurant.

"Awe, la nostra mamma di essere, Isabella." He said in perfect Italian. **(Foxy: translation: Awe, our mommy to be, Isabella.)**

"Dove si trova Alice?" I said asked back. **(Star: translation: Where is Alice?)**

"Nella casa verde me ottenere un certo erbe." He said as he pointed to the garden door. **(Foxy: translation: In the green house getting me some herbs.)**

"Grazie!" I said as I walked to the green house.

"Alice!" I called out as I enjoyed the warmth of the green house.

"Over here!" I walked over to her as my baby began to kick.

"Alice, I need your help. I have a feeling Tanya wants to hurt me." I said as I reached her.

"Oh she does want to hurt you. I had a vision; she will try to murder you and the baby." She said in a calm voice.

'_Well that's a bitch'_

"Don't worry I'll take care of her." She said as we left the green house.

An hour later I had to pee so I went to the bathroom only to be cornered by Tanya.

"You think I don't know what you're doing, you little bitch." Tanya said with a sneer.

"What are you talking about?" I asked in confusion.

"You stole Edward from me." She hissed at me.

"Edward wants nothing to do with you, you crazy bitch." I said as I stood my ground.

"He wants me he just doesn't want to admit it." Tanya sneered back.

"He dumped you get over it!" I said as I got in her face.

"Watch your back you man stealing bitch. Edward is mine and I will get him back even if that means I have to kill you and that little bastard child you're carrying." She hissed as she poked at my belly. Then Alice popped out of the shower with a video camera.

"I doubt you will do harm if I show this to the cops." Alice said she huffed and left the bathroom.

"Thank you, Alice." I said as I hugged her.

**~4 hours later~**

**Edwards POV:**

That's it this has gone to fucking far! For the last hour Tanya has been here as if I hadn't dumped her five years ago. First she decorates the tree with all kinds of ornaments that look like us. Now she is telling Bella about our former love life.

I took out my new Iphone that Bella bought me for Christmas and went onto FML and submitted:

_**Today, my ex-girlfriend, who is obviously still in love with me, is best friends with my mom. Now every time I come home, she is over. She even spent 4 hours helping us decorate our Christmas tree, and now she is telling my wife about our love life. FML (changed it a bit from sister to wife.)**_

"Oh and that thing he did with his finger, what I wouldn't _**do**_ to be in your shoes!" She said with a wicked smile. I was about to lose my temper when Alice piped up.

"Let's watch home movies!" She squealed as she bounced up. She placed the disc into the DVD player and sat next to Jasper.

"I love watching these!" Esme said with happiness.

The disk showed us as kids with Emmett playing pranks on everyone and Alice avoiding said pranks. Then the TV went black and went to an image of Tanya and Bella in the bathroom.

"You think I don't know what you're doing, you little bitch." Tanya said with a sneer.

"What are you talking about?" Bella asked in confusion.

"You stole Edward from me." She hissed at Bella.

"Edward wants nothing to do with you, you crazy bitch." Bella said as she stood my ground.

"He wants me he just doesn't want to admit it." Tanya sneered back.

"He dumped you get over it!" Bella said as she got in her face.

"Watch your back you man stealing bitch. Edward is mine and I will get him back even if that means I have to kill you and that little bastard child you're carrying." She hissed as she poked at Bella's belly. Then the screen went black.

The room was silent as I looked around. Emmett's had a scary smile on his face as Alice and Jasper shared a knowing look. Rose was glaring at a shocked Tanya. I wrapped my arm around Bella as if to protect her from the crazy bitch. I look to my right to see Carlisle trying to calm Esme. Let's just say Esme looked pissed.

"You little fucking bitch….." Esme sneered.

"Esme, you love me, you can't believe them." Tanya said in fear.

"Get out of my house and never bother my family again." She said in her 'I will kill you bitch' voice and Tanya left in fear.

"So mom do you see she's crazy now?" Emmett piped up.

"Yes and I'm so sorry. She will never be invited into this house again." She said and we enjoyed the rest of Christmas.

_**Four years later:**_

**Bella's POV:**

The mall at Christmas is my personal form of hell. The crazy women; the crowds and the perverts; I hate them all. But I have to go shopping for Christmas.

Not only do I have to be in the crazy place but I have to bring my four year old daughter with me. Edward has to work and no one can babysit.

"Mommy, can we go see Santa!" Nessie begged with her cute little brown eyes.

"Sweetie, after we are done." I said as we entered another store.

**~Sometime Later~**

"Mommy, can we go now?" Nessie nagged as I put the stuff in the car and locked it.

"Yes, honey." She squealed like her Aunt Alice and before I could blink she took off to the mall entrance as I ran after her.

"Nessie!" I screamed as I ran after her.

"Nessie, never do that again!" I said as I caught up with her.

"Sorry mommy." She pouted with her little lip.

"It's ok now let's get in line." I said as I grabbed her hand and we waited for about ten minutes. She hid behind my leg when the elf motioned for her to go next.

"Nessie, what's wrong? You were so excited." I asked as a picked her up.

"I'm scared…." She said as she buried her head in the nook of my neck.

"Miss you can you can come up with her." The teenage elf said annoyed.

"Mommy you can sit with me." Nessie said as I walked up to the chair.

"I'm not sure I can sweetie." I said I sat her down on Santa's lap.

"Santa; can my mommy sit to?" She asked sweetly as she looked at him with her puppy dog eyes.

"Of course my lap is big enough for the both of you." Santa said grabbing my waist and pulled me on to his right leg. "Now tell Santa what you want for Christmas."

"I want a little brother or sister!" She squealed out and my eyes bugged out as I choked on my own spit.

"Well that's something your parents need to give you." He said kind of shocked.

"How?" She asked in an innocent voice.

'_Good lord did she just ask Santa how to make baby's?'_ I asked myself.

"Um that's something you will have to learn when you're older." Santa stated with a meaningful stare.

"Ok I also want a puppy for Christmas." She said accepting what he said.

"Anything else you want for Christmas?" He asked with a relieved look on his face.

"No nothing else...what about you, mommy?" She asked turning the attention to me.

"Um...I want these gorgeous earrings." I said as I pull the ad from my purse to show Santa and Nessie. "They are gorgeous!" I gushed as I looked at them.

"Wow mommy those are pwetty!" Nessie squealed.

"I wish I knew what my husband wants." I said to myself. As soon as I said that I felt something hard on my bum.

"Smile for the camera." The teen elf said as the held the camera.

_'Wow does this guy have a gun or something?'_ I thought to myself and my eyes bugged out as I realizing what it was as the camera flashed.

I jumped up and grabbed Nessie and walked to the booth to pick up the picture. I was still a little freaked out as the elf handed me the picture. I looked at it to see a smiling Nessie and my face in shock.

"Mommy, can I see?" She asked and I handed it to her.

"Mommy your face is funny." She giggled as we left the mall to go home.

**Later that night:**

"Honey, I'm home!" Edward called from the foyer as he closed the door.

"DADDY!" Nessie squealed as she ran to hug Edward.

Edward walked into the living room with Nessie in his arms. He was wearing haft a Santa suit.

"Care to explain?" I asked motioning to his outfit.

"In a minute; first it's someone's bed time." He said as he carried a pouting Nessie to her room.

I took this time to write my Fml on my all time favorite site.

_**Today, I went to the mall with my daughter. She asked me if she could go see Santa, so I said yes. She made me sit on his lap with her, and that's when I felt something on my bum. Let's just say Santa had a present for me. FML**_

"Hmm sounds kinky?" Edward said as I hit publish.

"Edward, I was spooned by a horny Santa with our daughter on his other leg I don't think that is kinky." I said as I closed the laptop.

"Well it is when the Santa was secretly your husband." He said with a sheepish smile.

"You fuck wagon. I thought you had to work today?" I said a little pissed.

"Alice volunteered me without even asking so I just did it." He said in defense.

"Well now we have to explain to our four year old where babies come from." I said as I plopped down on to the bed.

"I hoped we wouldn't have to have this talk for a long time." Edward said scared as he walked into the bathroom.

"Speaking of babies...Are we really ready for another baby." I asked thinking of what Nessie asked Santa for Christmas.

"I think it's time. I mean she's four and Esme is asking for another grandchild to." Edward said as he came out of the bathroom in boxers.

"So I'll make a doctor appointment after the holidays with Dr. Carmen." I said as I snuggled into my pillow.

"Sounds like a plan." He said as we drifted off to sleep.

**Christmas morning Five years later:**

**Neisse's POV:**

I woke up to my dog Lucy licking me in the face.

"Lu-Lu stop I'm up okay." I said as I sat up in my bed.

I looked up at my clock to see it was five am.

"You have to pee don't you?"I asked as Lucy just looked at me with her brown eyes while whining.

"Okay come on but after you come in I'm going back to sleep." I said pointing at her.

I exited my room with Lucy hot on my heels as I walked down the stairs. Before I could get half way down the stairs I felt a hand on my back shove me violently out the way. I screamed as I rolled down the stairs. When I landed I heard and felt a snap in my arm. All I could do was cry from the pain. Thankfully my protective Lucy came to my side and barked for help alerting who ever could hear her.

"What the hell is going on?" I heard my mom call as she rushed down the stairs. She gasped in horror when she saw me at the foot of the stairs curled up in pain.

"Edward! Nessie fell down the stairs!" Mom cried out as she rushed to my side,

"I didn't fall…." I moaned out.

"Then what happen?" She asked as she looked me over.

"He pushed me." I said as I pointed with my good arm at my little brother, Matt, as he ran back into the hall to see what was going on.

"Mathew Anthony Cullen did you push you sister down the stairs?" Dad asked Matt in a 'what the hell' voice.

"I wanted to open my pwesents fwirst." He said in his four year old voice and big green eyes he shared with dad.

"So you pushed you sister down the stairs?" Dad asked as he pinched the bridge of his nose. Matt just looked at his feet.

"Uncle Emmy said to do anything I could to get to the pwesents fwirst." He said in innocent voice.

"He's spending too much time with Emmett." Mom said as she took off her robe rolling it up and putting it under my head to support it.

"Agreed does anything hurt sweetie." Dad asked me as he turned to me.

"My head and my arm…." I said as the pain radiated through my body.

"I'll take her to the emergency room you call Emmett and give him an ear full." Dad said as he ran up stair.

"You young man upstairs and into your room till I say you can come out." Mom said as she turned to Matt.

"But mommy; my pwesents!" He whined out.

"You'll be lucky if you get any at all; now do as I said." Mom said in her scary voice.

"Your mother is right you'll be lucky Santa doesn't take them back." Dad said as he appeared in warm clothes with a pair of sweat pants for me in his hand.

"What…that's not fair….." He whined on the verge of tears.

"You could have killed your sister. Now March!" Dad almost yelled out as he pointed to the stairs. Matt looked down and just did as dad said.

"Mom Lucy has to go to the bathroom that's why I was up in the first place." I said as they helped me into my sweat pants.

"Okay I'll let her out once you two leave." She said as she splinted my arm with the splint kit we kept just in case.

"Hey Carlisle we are headed to the E.R. are you working today?" I could hear dad in the livening room talking to Grandpa Carlisle.

"Bella's fine. Matt pushed Nessie down the stairs." He said and walked back into the hall.

"Her arm may be broken and she may have a concussion." He said looking me over with fear in his eyes.

"Alright we'll meet you there." He said as he wrapped me in a heavy blanket as mom finished splinting my arm.

"Alright Grandpas gonna fix you up." He said as he picked me up slowly.

Mom opened the front door for dad before opening the car door. Dad pulled out the drive way and we headed to the hospital.

**-Hospital_E.R.-**

We arrived at the hospital within a few minutes with dads crazy driving. Grandpa had his interns outside waiting with a gurney so Dad placed me on it and they sent me of for x-rays.

**Emmett's POV:**

I was awoken from my dream about dancing rapping sugar plums to the house phone ringing. I answered in my half asleep state but was quickly woken up to Bella yelling threw the phone.

"Bella slow down." I said trying to calm her.

"Did you tell my son he could do anything he wanted to get to his presents first?" She asked in a pissed voice.

"Yeah, what's the harm in that?" I asked in confusion.

"Well hmmm let me see. I found my daughter at the foot of the fucking stairs with a broken arm and possible conclusion because her brother violently pushed her out the way to get to the tree first." She said in mother bear mood.

"Oh shit…" I said as Rose sat up looking at me confused. Bella started yelling again so I held the phone away and answered her unspoken question.

"Matt pushed Nessie down the stairs to get to the presents first." I said and her face went pale.

"Is she okay?" She asked taking the phone away to talk to Bella herself.

After she hung up she got dressed and headed to the hospital while I stayed with the kids.

**Edwards POV:**

I ran my hands threw my hair as I pace in front of the window in the X-ray room. I could see Nessie crying as they touch her arm. I wanted to jump through the glass and smack my father's interns. Just at that moment he walked in with Esme who rushed to my side.

"What exactly happen, son?" Carlisle asked with a look of worry.

"Matt pushed Nessie down the stairs to get to the presents first." I said and Esme's face turned to shock.

"She will be okay." Carlisle said he left to take care of Nessie.

**Two Hours Later:**

Carlisle came out to the waiting room to find the whole family waiting.

"Is she okay?" Alice and Rose asked at the same time.

"She's fine her left radius and ulna are broken. Other than that she just has a bunch of bumps and bruises."

"Where is she?" I asked not seeing her anywhere.

"She's getting her case after that she can go home." He said and we all sighed in relief.

**Nessie's POV:**

After grandpa set my arm and put me in a cast I could finally go home and enjoy Christmas. Uncle Emmett showed up apologizing for what happen. I told him it's alright; just watch what he says around Matt. Matt apologized for pushing me and begged me to tell Santa not to take his toys.

At the end of the day I crawled into bed with my new iPad my grandma Renee gave me and went to my favorite website.

_**Today, I spent the morning in the ER with a broken arm. My little brother was in such a rush to get his presents first, that he violently shoved me out of the way on the stairs. FML**_

_**~The-End~**_

_**Merry late Christmas**_

_**And**_

_**Happy New Year!**_

_**Review**_


	6. Naked Dancing

**A/N: Well I'm back! School is finished and I have more time for myself! Here's a treat for being patient!**

**Also you're probably wondering what happen to 'Pay Back Thy name is Bleep'? Well the website deleted it and I don't have a back up so it's gone forever. I was one chapter away from finishing it. Well be patient cuz there's more coming.**

**Naked Dance!**

**Bella:**

My life is one big party. The fact that I live in Phoenix, Arizona makes it even better. It's filled with amazing dance clubs and bars.

Currently I'm dancing and drinking with my girlfriends. It's a school night but I don't care I barley go as it is. My mom doesn't like my life style. She says I'm going to get myself either pregnant or killed.

"Bella, let's go do belly shots!" Cindy squealed as she ripped her shirt off and laid down on the bar.

When I saw the hot guys that would be licking me I did the same and followed her lead. That's the last thing I remember.

**Renee:**

I woke up this morning to my alarm clock wailing. My husband Phil silenced it with a swift smack as he got up.

"Thank you, sweetie." I said with a yawn as I sat up.

"No problem, babe." He said as he entered the bathroom.

I grabbed the TV Remote ad turned on the morning news.

"Now let's go to Sarah Evans live in down town phoenix. Sarah."

"Thanks Tim. The city of Phoenix has always had its share of crime but lately the crime rate has been rising." Sarah stated as she walked the downtown strip; which is mainly clubs and bars.

She stopped to looking into the camera and as she did a girl started dancing naked behind her. As the girl faced the camera I saw that it was my very drunk daughter.

"The most common area of crime is here where people meet to party and drink. More than fifty percent of murders happen right here in this place to unwind and have fun." As she finished speaking the camera man must have pointed to Bella because Sarah turned around shocked to see a drunken naked girl dancing.

"Um we seem to have a problem back to you Tim! Can someone arrest her, please?!" Sarah said as the screen went back to Tim with a mixture of confusion and humor on his face.

"Well that was interesting."

"Oh dear god!" I screamed out and Phil ran out the bathroom.

"What?" He asked in concern.

"We have to move." I said in horror.

I picked up my phone and submitted my FML then called my ex-husband.

_Today, I turned on the news to see a live report about an increase in crime in my town. One minute in, my drunken daughter appears behind the news reporter, butt naked, dancing. FML_

"Hello?" He asked as he answered.

"Charlie, we have a problem." I said and told him what happen.

**Bella's POV:**

I can't believe my mom is shipping off to live with my dad. I'm moving to Forks, Washington; its population wouldn't even fill a club on a Saturday night. What's even worse is it's a dry county; meaning no alcohol, not even a drop.

Currently we are standing in the airport waiting for our flights.

Mom and Phil are moving to Florida because of the 'embarrassment' I caused them by drunkenly dancing naked on live television.

"Bella, Are you even listening to me!?" Renee yelled breaking me from my thoughts.

"Whatever." I said as I rolled my eyes.

"Where did I go wrong with you?" She asked herself and I just walked on to the plane before I said what I really wanted to say.

I found my seat and waited for takeoff. My head was still pounding from the night that cost me dearly.

"Hey can I get some water and some aspirin?" I asked the flight attended.

"Yes of course." She said and brought them to me.

I popped the pills and chugged the water. Once the pain went down a little bit I fell asleep till we landed in Seattle. When we landed we had an intermission before heading to Port Angeles.

So I decided to walk around the shopping strip of the airport. While I was in the coffee shop I bumped into someone spilling his coffee all over him.

"I am so sorry!" I said as his face went to shock and pain as the coffee seeped into his shirt.

"It's ok. My skin only feels like it's slightly peeling off." He said with humor and pain.

"That shirt must cost a fortune." I sad I as I eyed it as it stuck to his skin.

"My sister bought it, so don't worry about it, more where this one came from."

"Can I buy you another coffee?" He asked holding out his hand.

"Sure but my plan leaves in a few minutes." I said with a pout.

"Then we better hurry; where you headed?" He said as we walked back to the counter and he ordered his coffee and mine.

"Forks to live with my dad." I said with a scrawl.

"Me to but I'm returning from Chicago for family matters." He said and I stood at attention looking him up and down.

"By the way I'm Bella, and you are?" I said holing out my hand.

"Edward and what a beautiful name." He said taking my hand and kissing it.

I think I'm going to like Forks after all.


End file.
